I would ask you to please keep in mind the text and posts that follow contain my thoughts, views, and memories on a very personal subject, me.
I have been researching cross-dressing and transgender topics as I try to figure out why I enjoy cross-dressing and if there may be more to my desires than just an obsession with feminine clothing. My research on the subject has included quite a few books and a great deal of online reading. In more than one book it was suggested to write down your thoughts as something made an impression or as memories of one’s own personal experience arose.
I am composing this as a method to help me understand some of the feelings, thoughts and desires which I have “always” had. I put always in quotes here because I am beginning to understand this is not something new. The more I delve into my past the more I find many of my life experiences have been related to cross-dressing or feminine desires. Along the way some of my memories triggered the release of others. This examination of my past also, of course, triggered new feelings and thoughts as I tried to sort things out. Some memories came to me crystal clear while others were murky at first but after much thought regarding the surrounding circumstances they became clearer.
Hopefully the notes and thoughts I record may be of help to more than just myself. If you continue to read my writings you will see I have fought and also embraced my feelings, thoughts, and desires my whole life. I have only recently become determined to start winning some of those fights.
Resolving fears, my process
Below are only some of the categories of fear which constantly consume my thoughts. In my research I have found that living in fear is a common trait among cross-dressers. Yes, I used to identify as “only” or “just” a cross-dresser.
The main process I use to resolve my fears is through performing research and thought experiments. Some experiments have revisions which number in the thousands and have no end in sight. Other experiments are performed, the results cataloged, and analysed, but then put away for days, months or even years until more research can be performed. Others still come quickly to a resolution which is filed away as reference material.
Not too long ago cross-dressers could have been declared insane and committed to an asylum for even having the desire to wear clothing usually associated with the “opposite” gender. It has also been common practice to attempt to “cure” a person of these desires. Some of the cures I’ve heard of border on torture. Electroshock therapy was common even into the 70’s. Other therapies such as aversion therapy have gone as far as using drugs to induce sickness in an attempt to lead the person into a “proper” thought pattern.
Things have come a long way since my pre-teen years, when I began having my feminine desires and thoughts. Cross-dressing and being transgender for the most part is no longer seen as a mental illness. Some locations have now even declared “Cure” therapies as illegal.
What types of medical care will be available? Some cross-dressers and transgender persons have been refused vital medical care even when payment was guaranteed.
Fear of current political and social climates
The bathroom debate is often a common hot bed of discussion. Many still see the cross-dresser as a pedophile whose only wish is to harm a child. Others would see us as peeping toms attempting to see others genitals without permission. I will agree there are people out there who would use cross-dressing as an enabling crutch to engage in unlawful behaviors. This type of person may truly be a cross-dresser, along with having other behaviors which are darker or more sinister in motive. The majority of people, cross-dresser or not, still use a bathroom for the purposes which it was intended, to pee, check makeup, or other such common activity.
Will a person cease to have basic human rights because they choose to wear clothing that is not typical for their gender?
Will a person become a victim of a hate crime, simply because of how they present themselves?
Fear of strained relationships
Imagine a heterosexual woman finding out the man she loves really wants to be a woman. Can she adjust to seeing him transform from the typical male image to a much more feminine one? Will she still love him/her? What about sex? Many females have even stated they are disgusted by the thought of a man even attempting to show the slightest feminine desire. How would they react to a man wanting to wear breast forms and or lingerie for a sexual encounter? What of sexual role reversal? If the woman is accepting of a cross-dresser will she be seen as a lesbian? What of friends or family who may or may not understand what cross-dressing is? Will a good friend or family member suddenly become hateful and a mortal enemy? Will prejudice impact the relationship?
Fear of career loss
Will a cross-dresser be accepted as a person in the workplace. Many employers are starting to be supportive while others are still very much against the concept. Will they cause an uproar or legal issue? Will others harass them?
I live in fear
- I fear I will no longer have a relationship with the most caring, intelligent person I know.
- I fear that my wife, will no longer love or respect me.
- I fear the loss of family and friends.
- I fear my employer will not be accepting, even if I do not engage in cross-dressing at work.
- I fear that my desires may run deeper than cross-dressing.
I am far from resolution of my fears. I am constantly working on resolving them.